Amateur Football Alliance

Southern Amateur League

Fourth XI

Winchmore Hill 1 Nottsborough 1
Southern Amateur League
Minor Section Division One
Saturday 15 December

A table-topping clash saw the irresistible force that is Winchmore Hill 4s entertain the immoveable object that is Steve Millar, sorry I meant Nottsborough. Harsh on Millar, whom is reputedly considering “jogging” as part of his rehab so I should expect a streamlined piglet back in the new year. Then again I wanted an Aston Martin for Christmas and you don’t always get what you ask for so I expect the hairy one to return one trouser size up from when he left us after his injury against Actonians.

The fixture list had been devastated by poor weather and it took 15 minutes of checking fixtures and cup draws for me to realise that we would be playing Nottsborough this week. Feeling fairly smug, particularly as after 12 years Quinny still can’t grasp that cup games take precedence over league games and AFA cup games take priority over SAL cup games, which is why I am skipper and he’s err, just plain angry to be honest. I sent a text to the team on Sunday saying that we might have Nottsborough this week. The sheen of my genius was removed when I checked the fixture schedule (perhaps most people’s starting point on the SAL website) and there it was; us against Nottsborough. It was to be a big day at the office and the message went out to all to lay off the Asti Spumante and cheese vol-a-vonts at the office parties the day before; and in Baxter’s case to lay off any vulnerable married women quite literally. We assembled on time, expectantly, apart from John Friend drafted in as full back as Braders was home in Glasgow getting wasted on Buckfast. John’s excuse for being late was that he was getting a lift from Adam Graves. All I can say if you put your trust in people that, whilst clearly likable, aren’t very bright, you will always be let down in life and so it proved to be the case and Baxter was drafted in at left back in a strong looking team.

The warm up went well and the intensity was there for the start of the game on a very rutted bottom pitch. We lost the toss, have we won one all season, and kicked into what little winter sun there was. We enjoyed more possession without really troubling Nottsborough whom as expected were organised and competitive. To be frank, beer and a shocking cold, might have dimmed my memory but there were precious few chances in the first half to comment on from both teams. Baxter’s groin showed similar resilience levels as big Damo’s and the boy was hauled off after 25 minutes for Friendy; though Damo can only dream of getting that far into a game. We looked a little more balanced as John started to get forward but fell behind to a goal from a corner, which to be honest was the only way that I could see Nottsborough scoring at that point. Kris and Paul seemed the more threatening forwards but we lacked cohesion, though the effort as ever was never in doubt. However one of their players attacked a corner with intent and the ball shot past Harry for the opener. The main incident came with a few minutes to go when Friendy and a Nottsborough player both went for a 50-50 tackle. A sickening crack could be heard and we knew it was not good for Jon but fortunately the other player was ok. Thankfully the paramedics arrived quickly for Jon, though the benefits of this prompt service were diminished by news that Jon was taken to the North Middlesex Hospital, something akin to a Vietnam field hospital from my one experience of their A&E. Disappointingly Jon had to wait two days for an operation that was promptly unpicked at Hendon when Jon had managed to switch over to his private health care and therefore spent until Thursday in hospital. Worrying for those that rely on the NHS there seems something adrift to wait several days for an operation only to discover it has not be completed correctly.

We gathered in the warmth of the changing rooms leaving Lez and Millar with Jon and tried to get our heads round the fact we were 1-0 down in a crucial game. Macca and Crouchy had occupied the same space in midfield, we had failed to get the full-backs beyond the half-way line and showed limited attacking invention. The second half opened up a little more, thanks to us having a raiding left back I suspect. We drew level when a clearance was knocked on by Iontton for Kris to go clean through. He finished coolly and The Hill were back level and more importantly enjoying more possession in the last third. Chances were few and far between, we had our 4th goal in 5 games cancelled out, rightly so I think, for offside. Nottsborough were content to play on the break and could have won it with a rare chance that struck Mad Harry’s post. With five minutes left a ball into Iontton saw a smart turn in the centre circle, a glorious 25-yard pass with the left peg. Making a great run was Nails (or was it Kris? It was squealing so I suspect it was Nails) who advanced forward and saw Veasey making great run that Macca can only dream about whilst touching himself softly I suspect. Veasey had now advanced unmarked to the back post whilst Macca was looking for another sliding tackle and seemed to be eying up Barthy as his next victim. A fine cross cut out the defenders and left the goalkeeper stranded as the small crowd were about to erupt as the ball approached the head of Veasey with the goal gaping. All I can say is I got a text from Paul after he left the clubhouse saying sorry for the miss and Crouchy as ever tried to lighten the mood in the changing rooms by telling Paul not to worry that he may have cost us the title!! We had won the second half and whilst perhaps being the better team in patches a draw was a fairish result.

It was what a good game should be. Competitive, physical but never dirty, with skill and determination in abundance and a beer afterwards. Even Bernard Barbuk had a decent game, ok it’s Christmas and goodwill to all men and referees I say.

So what can we surmise from this? The title race will no doubt be a tight affair and somewhere in a pub in west London, that only scored 2.5 out of 5 on fancyapint, old man Richardson (not the gangster) will be thinking that Acton can work their way back into the frame. Particularly if the NZ Maoris lend him their back row for games then his team of giants will take points from all others so it’s going to be interesting. We have a strong team together for the long haul this time around and to date we have shown plenty of character to have come back 4 times when trailing to take points and remain unbeaten going into 2008. Nottsborough will count themselves lucky as the first team we have played this year without the Quinster in check. Get your ear muffs out because this bad boy will be making it to Fortress Tolworth to err, moan at you with Mad Harry. Grrrrr

Alleyn Old Boys 0 Winchmore Hill 2
Southern Amateur League Minor Cup
Saturday 8 December

When you are undefeated everyone wants to be team that takes the record from you! - that is certainly the case for Winchmore Hill’s 4th XI at the moment.  A strong start to the season sees the 4’s sitting pretty at the top of the table after negotiating a tricky home tie with Acton IV’s the previous week and still in contention after Christmas for the AFA minor cup for the first time in living memory.  With that in mind Winchmore Hill’s handsome looking squad took the journey south to open their SAL cup account for the season against Alleyn Old Boys in Dulwich, a team although 2 divisions below are themselves on a 8 match winning streak.  So like the Ricky Hatton – Floyd Mayweather fight, something had to give.

With our spiritual leader again off at a wedding (always the bridesmaid, never the bride!!), Millar snuffling around his sty – leg in a reinforced Titanium brace, Harry doing some cash in hand work for Captain Birdseye and Chaz finalising plans to open his own Scrumpy making factory in South London the squad was being tested to its limits.  Stew got out his little black book and came up with….nothing in fact, not one of the buggers helped us out.  So we arrived in South London with a slender 12 players (I say we, the gaffer for the day was the late arrival as I was trying to sort myself out after some little thieving bas*ard nicked my wallet in Putney earlier that morning, leaving me with not a penny to my name and putting me in a rather grumpy mood for the afternoon).  When we eventually made it on to the pitch it was obvious that the light breeze and gentle drizzle had become something approaching a force 10 gale with freezing-cold driving rain making the playing surface less than inviting to everyone.  Well everyone apart from Macca who’s eyes lit up with the thought of spending the afternoon doing his favourite thing – sliding around on his backside kicking the ankles of the opposition!...actually thinking about it – that is Macca’s second favourite thing.

So to the game, we started by going through one of Naylor’s patented warm-up routines which involved us skipping, hand-clapping then camply waving our arms around, Bradders went on to say that he would take no part in such mincing so went off to hoof the ball at Quinny from point blank range.  The starting line-up had familiar faces, but with the shortage of players Baxter played in his 8th different position of the season and partnered Kris up-front, with Crouchy taking up a centre-half berth.  As we lined up to start, the big nipple taped wrong-un decided he would immediately create a good relationship with the referee by cracking the old cock-ring joke when asked if any players had on jewellery.  Unfortunately the referee didn’t see the funny side and immediately gave the big copper a ticking off, he probably would have found it more amusing if he knew the truth – he really was wearing one, although it was more like a Scouts woggle. 

Hill started the match slowly against the strong wind and it became clear that this was going to be a tight affair with the Old Boys utilising the elements to their advantage by pinning Winchmore back for much of the opening quarter of an hour.  The only respite being Crouchy launching some howitzer goal kicks into the opposition half to gain us some territory, but slowly Hill started to get a hold on the game.  Macca relishing sliding around like a small child and Veazey breaking clear of the oppositions centre midfield on a couple of occasions gave the Hill the platform they required further up the pitch.  From a swift break Baxter had the ball in the back of the net after a delightful through ball from his striking partner Kris, only for it to be ruled out for a dubious off-side decision, much to Quinny’s delight.  By now the opposition looked as if they were still competitive but running out of ideas as the Winchmore back 4 dealt comfortably with everything that was thrown at them.  Baxter then had another chance to open the scoring when he found himself 12 yards from goal with only the keeper to beat, but the composure he showed earlier in the game abandoned him and he shot straight at the keeper.  Half-time arrived with the scoreline at 0-0 and a satisfied gaffer went through a brief and positive team talk.

With the wind at their backs in the second half Winchmore started to take control of the game, even Bradders and Barthy started to make runs into the opposition half and Lezlek and Nails provided the ammunition from wide areas.  The opener came early into the second half with Crouchy providing the finish after a wicked in-swinging corner from our swan-stalking midfield maestro.  Winchmore now were completely in charge and Veazey was unlucky on two occasions after the opposition keeper pulled off two fine saves from good strikes from distance.  Kris soon followed with an absolute screamer from 25 yards which almost snapped the upright before rebounding away (how can someone with legs that skinny strike a ball that hard??).  The second goal came soon after, again from a corner this time delivered by old man Naylor which resulted in a bit of a stramash in the box, Lez made no mistake by rifling high into the net from 6 yards. 

The comedy moment of the afternoon came soon after when a member of the opposition decided to racially abuse the walletless grumpy skipper (I say racially – but is “sweaty bas*ard” racial?) I don’t know – but I took umbrage with this and decided to take it up with him.  Unfortunately as I approached him to discuss this in an open and frank manner he decided better of it and legged it away leaving the skipper running after this fellow like a dodgy Benny Hill sketch but without the busty beauties (Crouchy may be busty, but he aint a beauty!).  The situation soon calmed down and Winchmore played out the rest of the game in complete control.  Jamie Bulgin made a guest appearance with 15 or so to go and could have had a rapidfire hat-trick if he hadn’t spent the previous 3 months trying to get a job at Kew gardens, I hear he likes to look after unkempt bushes – particularly hardy perennials from Germany.  The final whistle blew and brought to a close a good days work for the Hill, a potentially tricky away tie dealt with, a clean sheet for the angry scouser and still in contention for all competitions.  Notable mentions of the day go to Baxter for filling in wherever we see fit again, Macca and Veazey in the middle of the park and Barthy for his usual unsung hero bit at full-back, an all round excellent team performance.  Additionally a mention to Alleyn who were in general a good bunch of lads and a very decent side who I have no doubt will find themselves in the higher reaches of SAL football if they keep their side together.

C’mon the 4’s!!

Winchmore Hill 5 Alexandra Park 1
Southern Amateur League
Minor Section Division One
Saturday 17 November

There were ugly flashbacks to last season when on Tuesday night it was discovered that Crouchy had not been clever enough to tell the skipper he was away. Harry had to work all morning preparing fish; apparently the chefs at the restaurants he delivers to cannot operate a tin opener. Baxter had decided to go to his work’s Christmas shindig and at least he was candid that he would be no use to man, beast, or as it happened a lady, the morning after. Coupled with Macca’s hokey cokey impression, he was in then he was out and at times when emailing you get the impression that his free hand is shaking it all about, and finally we settled that he was out of the running this week. Therefore we had 5 of the squad away but thankfully the black book was maximised and a tidy 12 were due to take on AP with the possibility of Kei making a one off appearance this season before returning to Japan.

The collective team hammering of Baxter during his shin dig brought enough shame on him to keep the vodka limes to a minimum and steer clear of the Jack and Danny with a commitment to make it for the start of the game. All was good in my world with a certain 12; a possible 13 plus a half cut Baxter to breathe vodka limes on the opposition.

I started having horrible flashbacks as Alex Greene blew us out an hour before KO. Then Ally greeted me with the news that Scott was with the 6s, which lead to an irate message being left with the 6th team skipper once I realised that he was on his way to France to play West Wickham. Self sacrifice and putting the good of the team ahead of your needs is a fine attribute and with only one recognised forward it was heart warming to hear Nails offer to go upfront; what a man. However there was to be no need with Millar scrapping the KO we started with a decent line up, the skipper on the line and our ginger wizard on-route. Though I was concerned that each eta Chaz offered seemed to be 15 minutes latter than the last with 2.15 becoming 2.30 and then half time was mentioned so I decided to stop asking; self-denial is an important part of being a skipper.

We started on the wide expanses of pitch 12 at Firs Farm; though even this pitch would not have been wide enough for Harry’s kicks to have stayed in play judging by last weeks efforts. Fortunately Quinny was in goal, as our very own food hero was now no doubt helping the restaurants of North London open boxes of fish fingers. We started positively with good width and Lez and Paul Veasey in the middle were more than able replacements for Mark “all I have is anger” Crouchman and Macca. I confidently announced that miss of the season was in the bag after a game earlier this season, however Kris was having none of this and a good move saw the ball played across the 6-yard box, with Kris sliding in at the far post I thought the opener was a certainty. However Kris defied physics and belief as he scoped the ball over from 3 yards. With Nails and Barthy looking productive down the right I thought it would not be long before we scored and another dangerous move finished with a scramble in which Millar could have, and Kris perhaps should have scored. However thankfully we have our very own goal machine in Paul Naylor and a good cross from Kris saw Nails timing his run perfectly to head home. 2-0 followed when Kris, obviously deciding that 6-yard tap ins are so last season, thought that a dipping 20-yard volley was in order.

I was keeping Baxter informed of proceedings on route and being 2-0 up he suggested he go via the offy and also pick a couple of doner kebabs up such was his confidence in a win or perhaps a desire to carry on the self-abuse that he had inflicted over the previous 18 hours. However just as we were cruising Quinny dropped a clanger and went forwards and backwards in the same movement to a hopeful punt up field. These two opposing forces of movement equalised themselves with Quinny falling into the turf and the ball passed a prostrate scouser for a simple tap in to their midfield player. We had chances to make it 3-1 but headed into half time at 2-1 despite having just about all the play and AP having only one shot on target.

The second half just needed us to exploit the space a tiring AP team were starting to leave. The third goal followed a good move in which Steve Millar turned his man in the 18-yard box and put a great ball to the back stick (yes, I know it was left footed) for the on rushing Nails to bag his seventh of the season. We quickly made it 4-1 when Kei fittingly in his last game scored for The Hill with a deft chip over the keeper. Millar and Kris combined well to see Kris add his second from a tight angle; please can we only give him half chances as he seems to score those. It could have been more but for some good saves and players seemingly slipping in the 18-yard box at crucial moments and a tight handball decision that went against us.

In the end it was a good performance and a shame that we did not collect a clean sheet as I think AP had only two shots on target. I am sure we will score a hatful one week if we keep playing this way and pleasing that we are scoring goals across the team, from dead ball situations and have the ability to play through teams or round them.

You maybe thinking that I have not mentioned Ryan’s skin trombone as part of quest to ensure that by entering foreskin and North London in Google the results bring back all my match reports. Well I have too much to say on another freak of nature; that being Mikey Orme scoring 7 goals. Mickey struggles to spoon seven mis-hit crosses in over the course of a season, however the stumpy freak used up a lifetime of shiners and scored 7 goals in one game. Though disgracefully he only bought one jug, which left a sour taste in mouths of his teammates. Quite remarkable and I checked in the Guinness Book of Records for the most toe punted goals within one game. Unfortunately Mickey that record is held by one G Bailey who once punted eight home with his big toe. Always next time Mickey.

MOM was shared by Veasey and Millar with the duff award goes to Lez for bringing all his family down to watch, with their camcorder and then falling over when you had the ball and with nobody within 20-yards.

Old Owens 0 Winchmore Hill 2
Southern Amateur League
Minor Section Division One
Saturday 27 October

With the gaffer away in Wales playing dungeons and dragons with the resident sheep population, the team took the short trip to Potters Bar. The author of this report spent the evening before the match giving his thanks to Armitage Shanks and arrived in the dressing room expecting to be the person feeling the worst in the team.

Harry, our fish loving goalkeeper, then trudged in complaining of man flu (and the need to get his nuts away). Baxter had arrived back from South Africa at 7.00 that morning and had had no sleep, then Crouchy turned up late, upset that he had run out of nipple tape. The big man then annonced the team and Millar was indeed selected to start, meaning we took the field with eight and a half 'fit' players.

Fortunately, we were playing on the smallest pitch Old Owens could offer us and the lack of needing to run much meant we made a sluggish start. Within five minutes we were ahead with a cross flying over and Quinny nosing one over the line from three yards - a typical poacher's goal from the big Scouser. This meant that Quinny had fait accompli to then start his one-man rant against anyone and anything with Crouch and Nails incurring the wrath of Quin, along with the ref, the opposition goalkeeper, their right back, left back... you get the picture.

The purple tipped womb wonders were playing some good stuff with shots flying in the general direction of the Owen's goal. Millar, our Polish wonder and Baxter prominent. Continued pressure led to a second goal, ably dispatched by our intercontinental jet setter.

Corners rained in throughout the first half with Chaz, Ally and Nails running around in some kind of organized attacking formation but never actually heading one cross goalwards; but it all looked very good and half time arrived quicker than Bradders ordering his first pint of Guinness after the match.

The skipper had little to say at half time, the first half performance had been good and Owens hard rarely threatened. Harry added that his nuts had indeed swelled during the half and was now getting even more desperate.

The second half was a ragged affair with little good football from either side. Great defensive work by Barfy, Bradders, Chaz and Ally is to be commended and the team as a whole defended very well. Chances were few and far between for the Hill although Kris made an impact when he came on that stretched the home side, but that chance to get a third never really materialized. 

After the game, Harry commented on Ally's love wand but he wasn't interested. Maybe the fish got it that night. Oh no, I just remembered, I ate fish on Friday night...

Three points, a clean sheet, not our best performance; but resilience, organisation and spirit in abundance saw us through. Tougher tests will come this season, but the team is bubbling along nicely.


Winchmore Hill 3 Old Finchleians1
AFA Minor Cup
Saturday 20 October

I was chuffed, rightly so I feel, with the last match report I wrote and with good reviews flowing in I felt inspired to write another. That is until I bumped into Chris Langford; a man who berates us for not writing reports I would like to add before continuing. Anyway I say, “Chris, did you like the match report?” Not a man to get excited; I guess that life as a Spurs fan can leave you empty of happiness. Anyway, Chris replies, “suppose it’s alright”. Being a part time undertaker can naturally suppress emotions in a person so I persisted to see if I could get a more favourable response. However, Chris promptly informed me that I used the same old gags as always, which certainly felt like a golden shower on my BBQ moment. Now I am not sure whether Chris was thinking about Macca’s reports, which lets be honest, flogged the purple helmet gag to death several times over. Then again I do comment on Windsocks foreskin a lot so maybe Chris had a point.

So Finchley at home in what is known as the first round proper of the AFA cup as I saw it described on the AFA website. I think this means by default the previous round was not a proper round; a bit like the ones Quinny buys that miss out half the team. Finchley were out warming up at 2.15 and I am thinking these boys are keen; however I found out that they thought the KO was 2.30. Our boys had assembled in smart fashion for the third week running and what a joy not having to extricate a player from Tescos twenty minutes before the game as he is stocking up on those well known energy foods of crisps and Cornish pasties.

There were quite a few players away this week. Macca muttered something about supporting a release this weekend; I thought he worked in IT and not the prison service? Kris wanted go to Bournemouth in October and not the summer like most other normal folk; perhaps he has a fetish for bingo and crown green bowls. Baxter had packed his pith hat and safari suit to explore deepest Africa on a mission to exploit citizens of the third world by saying their grapes are the wrong shape or something equally shameless. Not sure how the boy can look at himself in the mirror in the morning. Nothing to do with ethics; just the fact he’s a strawberry blonde and well, you want to block those sort of things out, or it’s a life of Prozac. However we drafted in Jamie Eaves, Veasey and managed to get Alex Greene playing again after showing a lot of promise in the friendlies.

The Hill started well in a cup where we are normally knocked out of before the leaves have fallen from the trees. Chaz and Ally were outstanding at winning everything on the ground and in the air. Eaves was looking very solid at right back where he belongs, and well he knows it. Veasey curbed his attacking instincts and allowed team show pony, Crouchy, to take all the votes for MOM as he played the holding role to great affect. With team shreiker extraordinaire, Paul Naylor, making some great runs and Alex molesting the full-back at will, we looked a very god unit. We should have taken the lead when a smart move saw Millar square to Quinny on the 6-yard box and somehow, not fully understood at this point in time, the big scouser blasted it over. Therefore, the Miss of the Season competition is effectively over already and we are still in the AFA cup. The lead was taken when a corner has half cleared, the ball was played to Crouchy by Nails who sent a peach of a cross in that Quinny headed home for 1-0. It should have been two when Chaz headed home but the referee said Millar was active, never used that word myself in relation to Steve, even though he was nowhere near the play. Slightly frustrating to go in just the one goal up at half time. Finchley were organised and played decent football but we felt we may just deserved a little more than the one goal.

The half time chat was easy for me as it had been a pleasure to watch. We had played well, all the chat was positive and the shape of the team was good. Millar and Quinny played as well as I could remember and created many openings with intelligent running. I felt we would be good for a clean sheet and a couple more goals and sent the team back to the fray.

The first few minutes of the second half were good but the tempo just slackened a little after that. Finchley equalised when their player got a lucky break or two, but showed good persistence to work a one on one with Harry. Harry for some reason decided to stage a sit down protest and the player rounded our prostrate keeper to make it 1-1. Good to see that this again did not affect our game in the least. We upped the tempo and scored a cracker through a move, which ended with Nails finishing well with a low 15-yard shot. After that it was really mostly Hill. Their full back will be wetting the bed if he thought he had to play against Alex again and our right side was equally productive with Nails and Eavesy linking well. Millar nearly scored a candidate for goal of the season when a great move saw the ball played across the 18-yard box and Millar’s dipping volley skimmed off the cross bar. The third goal took a little time in coming. Another good move ended with Sam crossing to the far post and the ball was cleared to the team shrieker to lash home for his second of the goal of the game and fourth of the season. The game ended with the youngest player showing nous to kill time in the corner and run the clock down. Good attitude, impact substitutes and we are playing smart football; whatever next lads?

Good to see Braders knackered after the game; that will be that running I asked you to do and it’s how you should feel when you have put yourself about. A mark of what a good performance we put in was how many players, forwards, midfielders, defenders and bloody Crouchy all getting votes. Even a late effort by me to rig the vote did not work when Alex did not fully understand the question when I asked who his MOM was and that he could pick anyone barring Crouchy. He opted for our nipple taped hero and I think a working holiday to Zimbabwe is needed to better understand how to fix voting.

On the whole it was a good game, played on a great pitch between teams that wanted to play football with a very decent referee thrown in as well. It made for good watching on the sidelines; though obviously not for Millar. Why does he take his shirt off every time he has a mood I wonder as it only serves to stimulate the pig jokes if you ask me?  And lastly great to see Braders in the bar afterwards realise that his mobile phone is for making calls, not a substitute Oystercard on the tube. Seeing his puzzled face as the barriers remained closed on Thursday whilst tapping away on the smartcard pad with his mobile after an ale too many was comedy gold.

After some thought as to what award to come up with over the course of the season inspiration has struck at last. Previous years have included the Distinctly Smelling of Gash award and the Who Did Quinny Call a C*** in His Own Team award. This year’s award as ever will be based on a democratic voting system with my good self applying a complex normalising process to the results naturally. Votes are cast based on failures by individuals of a footballing, or general life, nature.

This year’s award is to be known as:
Bugger All Chance of Anybody Else Other than Crouchy Getting Player of the Season so I Will Have a Crack at this.

Winchmore Hill 3 Civil Service 2
Southern Amateur League
Minor Section Division One
Saturday 6 October

Having been goaded by big Alister Campbell into writing a match report I feel before I begin that it is right that his motives are fully explored. Are they driven by a desire to capture in prose the fine recovery by The Hill from two nil down at the outpost of Firs Farm, or, as I suspect, vanity at being awarded MOM and wanting a mention in hyper-space? Yes I tried a new method of establishing who was MOM after the democratic debacle the week before when Crouchy was awarded MoM despite wearing gaylord boots and masking tape on his nipples. Therefore this week I asked Braders; a man of few words, little running but much wisdom after he’s had a few pints of the black stuff for his vote. Anyway, he has got carried away with all this nonsense about a Scottish footballing revival and voted for his Celtic mate.

We assembled again on time, looking smart and refreshingly sober for the second week running. We were up against Civil Service who had lost to 12-man Nottsborough (let it go it was two years ago man!) but they had given our 5s a hiding of sorts. Say what you like Ryan but 5-1 is a decent rogering in anybody’s book and any man with a sense of pride would have felt distinctly dirty about the whole affair.

We started with Quinny in goal and a strong looking line up minus Crouchy who was arresting people on the Costa Del Romford that had not applied enough fake tan before entering public spaces. The first 10 minutes we edged the game in terms of possession but failed to make an impression against an organised Civil defence that sat deep and looked to hit us on the break. That they duly did and their first real ventures up the field saw their impressive striker slot home. Our reaction was more one of bemusement as we had all the play until that point. And that’s how the game continued. Baxter had a one on one from an angle that the keeper saved, next up he pulled a fine save off from Millar and Big Man Campbell, who turned up to the game wearing tights whilst I remember, (what in the Lord’s name was that all about), had a header cleared off the line. In between this pressure, and a good few corners, Civil’s mentally troubled striker had finished well from a very tight angle. Football is not a blame game, not after a nobbed up for the goal that Acton scored last week it isn’t. Negativity does not exist in the fourth team and please note that I have not mentioned an obvious mistake for second goal.

Half time came with us 2-0 down after playing quite well. I checked the stats with Kris who confirmed that;  

Þ       Civil had two shots on targets.

Þ       The Hill had 68% of the possession.

Þ       Barthy had moved a total of 94 metres in the first half (such was Naylor’s concern at his inactivity that he had taken the lad’s pulse twice during the game).

Þ       Chaz had touched the ball 5 times with his shin; a new record beating his previous best of four and a half set at HSBC five years ago.

The second half started and it was then I noticed this oddball in the bushes. I kid you not, sitting on a chair in the bushes and I am thinking; what sort of freak turns up at Firs Farm to watch football from a Hedgerow? I checked with Kris that it was none of his family and it turns out it was a referees assessor. Now I am not questioning the lad’s ability but watching the game twenty metres from the pitch, in a hedgerow; well it’s not right is it?

We played well in the second half and so did Civil. They sat deep and had a couple of good centre-halves that marshalled the team well but to our credit we never let our heads drop, kept our shape and played football throughout. With 22 minutes to go two moments of divine intervention arrived. Firstly we went three at the back; Barthy having only added a further 53 metres to his first half of inactivity and was carried off by his teammates in the interests of time. The team sensing the brilliance of this inspired move and buoyed by my presence got a foothold in the game straight away when Kris crossed for Macca to head home from a distance that is a officially shorter than Ryan’s foreskin, about 2 yards out. Minutes later Alister levelled the scoring with a header from a corner; bu**er me sideways we are scoring from set pieces and all sorts this season. Very pleasing to see was the number of players looking to get the ball rather than have a love in having just deservedly equalised. Civil were stuck in our half and when I asked our gym teacher for a breakdown of the second half stats on possession after the game the best he could manage was we had quite a lot and they had had less. The winner was a trifle fortunate in firstly getting the penalty and secondly with Lez scuffing it home; their keeper will think he should have got to it. We held on with one late scare with Quinny showing that we don’t lack anything when we have him in goal with a fine piece of keeping in injury time.

It was a great game and Civil will be a hard team for others to beat this season and as ever they also turn up with a decent bunch of lads. That leaves us with three wins from three games and a far improved attitude from last season that will need to remain past February if we are to challenge for silverware.

In the spirit of sensational appointments in football I have chosen a new Director of Social Activities and Eastern European Culture. Mark Baxter has promised to organise something when we have our first away venture to South London. All you need do is turn up with an open mind; a fully lined stomach and hand money over to Mark as requested and let nature take its course!

And lastly, what the B’jesus was Braders trying to do when he muffed his clearance for their second goal.

[page updated 14 October 2007]